XombiRick's Katanas: Lori Grimes Haters!

During Season Two of The Walking Dead, the two fan-camps that debated the loudest were undoubtedly Team Shane and Team Rick. Seriously. Take a minute and look around if you don’t believe me! Visit fan forums or listen to podcasts; I’ll be right here when you’re done. It’s hard not to notice comments of a Team Shane/Rick persuasion showing up, right? Not saying that membership on either side was required to enjoy the spectacle, just saying that the dialogue was dominated by enthusiasts embracing attitudes and philosophies exemplified by these two polarizing characters. (Notable exceptions to Team Shane vs. Team Rick were comic book purists vs. adaptation apologists, Team Darabont vs. Team Mazzara, and straight-haters vs. just-about-everyone.)

So what lies in store for Season Three now that the Ricktatorship has begun? I suppose Team Shane members might linger around, zombie-like, and share their sour grapes at every available opportunity. But that debate’s over and Season Three should find new opportunities to divide the fandom if they want to keep us coming back for more. I’m (admittedly) no expert, I’m a fan just like you; but I’m a fan whose gut tells him that new camps may be forming as you read these words. Lines are being drawn and this time around, I might be taking a stand solidly with one particular side.

Who are these warring parties I speak of? Pro-Show vs. Anti-Lori/Carl.

Don’t believe me? Look at this. Dude, that’s time out of a fan’s day/life to make a Facebook page dedicated to his hatred for one particular character on the show. While I admire the enthusiasm, I think this camp’s agenda is confusing and counter-productive. I would go so far as to say that certain anti-Lori fans aren’t really Walking Dead fans at all.

Let me be clear: I have a sense of humor! I’m not wound so tight that I can’t enjoy a good joke at Lori’s expense. In fact, how about we take a musical interlude away from my essay just to show you all that I’m not stridently pro-Lori to a fault. You need to know that I’m subjected to pop-music on the car radio and since it brings me no enjoyment, I try to make the most of a bad situation and bring amusement to myself by reshaping crappy pop-songs a la “Weird Al”. So here’s my version of a song that, if you haven’t heard yet, I’m sure you will 17,654 times before the end of the summer, Carly Rae Jepsen’s “Call Me Maybe” (imagine Lori spotting shambling-Shane in the season’s finale):

I threw a wish in the well,
Don’t ask me, I’ll never tell
Looked for Carl as it fell,
and now you’re in my way
I trade my soul for a bite,
undead lovin’ feels so right
Kickin’ Rick out tonight,
but now you’re in my way

Your stare was cold and sick, bloody, knife-wound showin’
Hot night, barn was burnin’
Where you think you’re going, baby?

CHORUS:

Hey, I just fled you,
and this is crazy,
but here’s my number,
so call me, maybe?
I’d rather be undead,
than with Rick, baby.
So here’s my number,
call me, maybe?
Hey, I just fled you,
and this is crazy,
but here’s my number,
so call me, maybe?
All the walkers,
try to change me,
but here’s my number,
so call me, maybe?

You took your time with the call,
No Bluetooth after the fall
Gave our baby genes to be tall,
but still, you’re in my way
I beg, and borrow and steal
This homegirl sure keeps it real
Sherriff Rick don’t know the deal,
but it’s in my way
Your stare was cold and sick, bloody, knife-wound showin’
Hot night, barn was burnin’
Where you think you’re going, baby?

CHORUS

When I heard you were dead
I missed you so bad
I missed you so bad
I missed you so, so bad
When I heard you were dead
I missed you so bad
And you should know that
I missed you so, so bad

Hopefully you’ll never be able to hear that song the same way again. Also hope you get the idea that I’m not corralling every fan who takes shots at Lori (and Carl) and declaring them all to be fake fans. No, instead I’m singling out a select few who say things like “I hate her so much, I wish she’d die”. Really? Really, you want two of the most important characters in the show to die because…why? Because they’re not perfect? Because they cause problems? Because they bring drama to a…um…primetime drama? So, let me get this straight: You want Lori to die because she’s doing her job? Hmm…glad you’re not writing the show.

But let’s say you did write the show. Here’s your show: Season premiere night, half the world is gathering around the telly to see what befalls our heroes. First segment before commercials—bang, bang! Lori and/or Carl either get eaten or two (not-so-friendly) taps to the back of their skulls. Now what? Rick’s gonna just brush off his shoulders and move on? Maybe you’ll have him shed a tear before we cut to Michonne’s grand introduction, but have him right as rain when we come back from more commercials. Don’t get me wrong, I get that you’re so smitten with Rick that you don’t want to see the slightest trouble come to his precious head. It’s just that I also understand that upon closer inspection you actually represent the minority of the fan base. The rest of us want to see the struggle, want to see the drama, want to see the MacBethian maneuvers, the double-crosses, and the complexities.

Look, folks, Lori is an important ingredient to what makes The Walking Dead such a good show.  If, like me, you have problems with her driving-while-navigating abilities or her knack for losing Carl at the most inopportune moments then direct your frustration to its proper source: bad writing.  She is a realistic, complex character who probably most annoys you when she is stupid and unrealistic. That ain’t her fault! That’s sloppy/lazy writing and if you’re truly convinced that she needs to die, then the writers just played you for a sucker.

All that to say that I can’t wait for King Joffrey to die in Game of Thrones…