Thanks giving

Last night it came as quite a shock for Annie and I learn that our meditation teacher, Prah Achan Dhammarato, is ending the Sunday night classes. He is going to do some traveling and other things. Suffice it say, Greensboro is losing a great man and a wise teacher. I don't really know why I am posting this here. I posted it on the Wat Greensboro message board and maybe I'm posting it here because I spent some time on it and since I haven't posted anything on here in quite a while. Whatever. Just sharing...for what its worth...

I awoke an hour before the radio alarm this morning, almost as if I had received all the necessary rest my body and mind needed, all the necessary dreams, all that was necessary to be fully awake and functioning this day. No bleary-eyed grogginess; no anxiety about getting the day started. To awake in such a manner can be troubling. The mind wanders/wonders, Why this extra hour? Am I sick? Is there something troubling me? Am I awake because I am unhappy? Am I awake because I am stressed?

This morning I awoke an hour early. I went through the normal motions to prepare for the day. Yesterday my wife, who is eight months pregnant, and I changed the sheets on our bed, so after a shower I crept back under the fresh covers and held her. We lay together, silently breathing. I could feel our child moving about under my hand. This is the closest form of physical contact I’ve had with my child thus far and it brought me peace, it cleared my mind of disconcerting thoughts from earlier.

My morning meditation comes in the form of a 45-minute walk to work. I traverse a portion of my city along a sidewalk system that crosses several intersections. There has been very cooperative weather as of late, nothing distracting. I watch my breath from block to block, occasionally interrupted by early morning joggers or noisy traffic. I thank them because they serve as reminders to smile and bring my focus back to my breath.

During this morning’s walk I found my mind returning to some of the vexing internal dialogue I had from awaking before the alarm. I realize I am in a state of “not liking”. Surprises often have a way of evoking such responses and last night was a doozy. Last night, after Prah Achan Dhammarato completed his lesson, he informed all of us sitting in the meditation room of Wat Greensboro that he was concluding the Sunday night meditation lessons. He is planning to do some traveling. There are no plans for future meditation retreats at Wat Greensboro. While I wouldn’t necessarily blame this particular bomb on why I woke up an hour early today, I will say that this has been the single thing my mind has come back to when my concentration unravels.

I resolved to compose this message and post it here. I know that nothing is permanent; I know that my feelings and my thoughts will change as time goes by. I know that they change even as my fingertips strike the keys; however, while my efforts may be seen (since this will be shared) as an ego-centered attempt to somehow preserve something that constantly changes, I do not think of my efforts as futile. I believe I am sharing my attempt to change a situation I do not like and I am trying to change that situation by showing compassion in the form of thankfulness. Since I am sharing this “list of thanks”, I know that I run the risk of my words being interpreted in an unwholesome manner (because they are written words, the lack the in-person voice inflections or body language some need more than others). Perhaps some will read them as sarcastic, perhaps some will not read them that way. I know that I do not pass judgment on my efforts, but perhaps I expect others to do exactly that.

I want to thank my wife for taking the initiative to attend the Sunday night meditation group. I want to thank my wife for taking the initiative to attend one of Wat Greensboro’s meditation retreats. If our spiritual journey has brought us to the Vietnam jungles of the 1960s, I suppose that would make you my “point-(wo)man”. Our child will benefit from your courage and your determination.

I want to thank the other regular attendees of the Sunday night meditation group at Wat Greensboro. I want to thank your intelligence, your respect, your energy, and your sense of humor. It has been our habit to sit together, talk together, learn together, and then make our bows, walk away, and drive to our respective homes. I hope that we will be able to find a way to remain a group whether there is a Sunday night class or not.

I want to thank some of the participants on this board. Again, I have learned from your intelligence, your respect, and your energy; however, as stated before, I have come to realize that on-line communities like this one probably have more weaknesses than strengths. No doubt, it is a good thing that like-minded people from all over the world can converge over topics of interest; however, this doesn’t stop communication breakdowns from occuring. I want to thank Bhikku Samahita. Your posts here have been the ones I read first and now I will now plan to join your YahooGroup.

I want to thank the detractors on this group, those who cling to names and philosophies, those who are tediously defensive. The names/teachers you identify in your posts serve me well as now I have some new names/teachers to avoid. (Additionally, I would like to thank these teachers. Thank you for teaching the dhamma. It is unfortunate your students spread divisiveness and sully your name. I yearn for a time when I will be able to receive your wisdom unfiltered, not the misrepresentation I am left with now.)

I want to thank those who have been banned from this group, but found new and conniving ways to post here anyway. Childish behavior can be a source of great amusement. Thank you for giving me something to laugh about.

I don’t know if there is anyone on this board who falls into this next group, but it came to my attention last night (after final bows were made but the attendees remained to talk) that there has been some who have lodged complaints about Prah Achan Dhammarato’s teachings. While my complaints were made directly to his face, your cowardly conspiracies have taught me a valuable lesson in impermanence. Perhaps I have taken Dhammarato’s presence at Wat Greensboro for granted. Of course, Prah Achan was not asked to leave Wat Greensboro but goes at his own accord. You will now sit alone with your sour grapes and, for that, I thank you again as I do not particularly enjoy sour grapes and now have a new place to send them.

And finally, I want to thank Prah Achan Dhammarato. (You so shocked us last night that it was only this moment that I’ve been able to think of the words I really wanted to say to you.) I want to thank you for being in my life. You were there before and during our pregnancy, equipping me and my wife with the blessed tools we needed. We will strive (right intention) to practice using them (right effort). I will not say that you made things easy. I will not say that you sat before us on Sunday nights and always said things that made us nod and smile, made us comfortable. There is a part of me that is troubled by the fact that others have been able to write pages upon pages upon pages that meant to chide and scorn you, and here I can only summon up a few sentences. I was honored to take your hand last night. Thank you for giving it. My wife and I have loved and cherished the time we have been able to spend with you.