Tuesday, March 15, 2005

X-Men 3's villain revealed!

Word is that the best man at the wedding of Guy Ritchie and Madonna will be directing the new X-Men movie. That's quite a story, actually. But I can go one better than your standard movie gossip/rumour info source. I have actual copies of the script! Check this out, folks:

(Suddenly, Professor X's face goes stark white and he turns to one of the mansion's window in horror. There's a flash of light and animated fire swallows the room, only Cyclops is spared. After another quick flare-up the fires are suddenly sucked back to reveal their source: a hovering Jean Grey, smiling wickedly and eyes "ablaze".)

Cyclops: Jean! Jean, I can't believe you just laid out the rest of the team! I...I can't believe you just ate an entire galaxy! What happened to you? WHAT ARE YOU?!?!?

Jean (laughing diabolically as CGI graphics lower her to the floor): Do you know what "nemesis" means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this instance by an 'orrible cunt (CGIed Dark Phoenix effects flare)... ME!

Or this one...

(Having landed their craft on the X-Men mansion's lawn, the unidentified alien race commence to scanning the area with an expensive-looking laser effect. The craft's underbelly cracks open and platform lowers expensively. A squadron of CGI aliens roll out, brandishing weapons. Three of them saddle up to a nonchalant Wolverine, leaning back in his lawn chair.)

Alien #1: We are looking for the entity known as Jean Grey.

Wolverine (calmly lowers his beer can to the lawn table): So, you're obviously the big dick, and that on either side of you, are your balls. You know, bub, there are two types of balls: There are big brave balls, and there are little mincey faggot balls.

Alien #2 (agitated): She ate my mother's solar system!

Alien #1: You'll tell us where to find her, (points gun directly in Wolverine's face) or so help me...

Wolverine (still very calm): Dicks have drive and carity of vision, but they're not clver. They smell pussy and they want a piece of the action. And you thought you smelled some good old pussy, and have brought your two little mincey faggot balls along for a good old time. But you've got your parties muddled up. There's no pussy here, just a dose that'll make you wish you were born a woman. Like a prick, you're having second thoughts. You're shrinking. And your two little balls are shrinking with you. The fact that you've got "Replica" written on the side of your weapon, and the fact that I've got (Wolverine pops his claws with a "snikt") "adamantium steel" written on the side of mine, should precipitate your balls into shrinking, along with your presence.

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