To: You – From: Dad – Re: NFL Football

After a few months into the pregnancy, your Ma and I quickly determined that your Da’s paycheck was going to be stretched a lot further than before. So we started by (among other things) dropping cable. We had a DVR with HBO and a hundred channels of nothing; we scaled back to the basic tier and saved ourselves more than $50 a month. It’s funny, because as I write this I’m betting you’ll have no idea what I’m talking about. Tiers? Cable company “package deals”? Sitting there in the distant future, when you’re able to actually comprehend what I’m writing here, you’ll probably be in the middle of a wonderful “cable channel a la carte” era that the cable company has resisted for decades. But anyway, back in the olden days the cable companies forced you to pay for dozens of channels you never end up watching. It’s a great scam, but I digress…

We dropped down to the basic tier, which freed up a lot of time for your Da on Sundays. I was very productive. Your Ma was able to get me to do some cleaning, organizing, filing, all manner of labor to prepare for you arrival. That lasted about a month. Something had to be done to nip all that productivity in the bud. And that something became football!

We’re talking about the 2005-2006 season, one of the most entertaining seasons in Carolina Panther’s history. We made it all the way to the NFC Championship dance, my boy. Got smooshed by Seattle. But, again, I digress. Point being that your Da got all sorts of wrapped up in the spectacle, probably because I already had all sorts of emotions flying as I was also cradling you in my arms and bottle-feeding you. I hadn’t been that excited about a professional sports team since the ’82-’83 Redskins.

So you need to know that I’m arriving to the full-blown football-fan status rather late and I would never claim to speak with any authority on anything. But I wanted to share some valued wisdom that has guided me and that you may find comfort in. Whether you’re a football fan or not, on any given Sunday at some point in your life you’re going to be put on the spot to declare your allegiance to a team. For example, you’ll be invited a SuperBowl party or something and right before you step a foot in the door the host (wearing some jersey and some face paint) is going to want to know who you’re pulling for. People like decision-makers, son. Don’t look at the television and shrug. Instead, rise to the occasion and follow my helpful 10 question matrix. If one of the teams answers “yes” to any of the questions below, proceed no further and root for the other team:

1. Are you the Dallas Cowboys?
2. Are you the New York Giants?
3. Are you the Atlanta Falcons?
4. Are you the New Orleans Saints?
5. Are you the Tennessee Titans?
6. Are you the Philadelphia Eagles?
7. Are you the Tampa Bay Buccaneers?
8. Are you in the AFC?
9. Did you win the SuperBowl last year?
10. Did you win the SuperBowl in the last three years?